The Bachelor: Hogwarts Style
by same.blue.sky
Summary: Do you know how many women Sirius Black has been paired up with in the fan fiction world? A LOT. What happens when he has to go on a reality show and choose one he wants to marry? Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize, sadly.

The Marauders sat in the living room in James and Lily Potter's house in Godric's Hollow. It was their last night as a foursome, because Sirius would be leaving the next day to be the star of a reality show.

"I can't believe you're going to do this, Padfoot." James Potter said, laughing hysterically.

"What? You mean go on a reality show where I choose from the hottest, brightest, and best girls I've ever been paired up with in the realms of fan fiction and choose my favourite?" Sirius responded.

"No, that's not what I meant at all," James said sarcastically.

"I dunno, mate, seeing how happy you and Lily are together, I think I may need to settle down soon. Who knows? I may not even be around for much longer." Sirius said.

"What do you mean? Are you planning on snuffing it?" Remus asked curiously.

"No way. But you never know, mate. I could end up being locked up in Azkaban for a crime I didn't commit. I would escape, of course, because I'm great like that, but then something really stupid would happen to me. Like getting offed by drapery." He said. The others stared at him. "I have no idea where that came from." Sirius added, shaking his head.

"This is probably the stupidest, most half-baked idea for a fan fiction ever." Remus said. James and Peter nodded in agreement.

"Are you kidding me? A houseful of girls climbing all over me for a month? This is the best idea anyone has ever had in the history of ever!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up from the couch.

"Then you have to marry one, though," Peter added.

"Yeah, that's just what the world needs, for Padfoot to procreate," James joked. Sirius threw a roll at him, never mind where he got it. James, being a brilliant Quidditch player, caught it easily.

"So all you have to do is kick off another girl every chapter…er, week, and the one that's left becomes your wife?" Peter asked.

"A little slow on the uptake, eh, Wormtail?" James asked. Peter threw another roll at him. He missed, shattering a window of James' house.

"Way to go, Pete, now my window's broken! Lily's going to murder me!" James exclaimed before breaking down on the floor in hysterical sobs. Remus sighed impatiently and walked over to the window, then tapped the frame with his wand. The broken shards sprung together.

"Yeah, Wormtail, these are apparently all the girls different fanfic writers have paired me up with, now I've got to choose the one I like best," Sirius said.

"Because you didn't just say that five seconds ago…" James added, taking a short break from hugging his beloved and newly repaired window.

"Well, Peter's kind of slow… give him a break," Remus said, patting Peter on the shoulder.

"I'm slow! You guys are the ones who haven't figured out I'm a Death Eater yet… I mean, did you see that Quidditch game yesterday?" Peter said, pulling nervously on the sleeve the Dark Mark was hidden under.

James sprang away from the window, very interested in talking about how he was a Quidditch prodigy. Everyone ignored Peter's first comment, thinking he was just too stupid to know what he was saying.

"So, Remus, what do you think the future Mrs. Padfoot will look like?" Sirius said.

"Knowing you? The one with the biggest boobs," Remus said. James laughed, and Sirius looked deep in thought.

"Good luck, Padfoot!" James called after Sirius, as he prepared to dissaparate away from Godric's hollow.

"Thanks, mate," Sirius said, doing that half-hug-half-bumping-shoulders thing men often do.

When Sirius got home to his flat, he thought about what the next day would bring. Besides a houseful of insanely attractive girls all over him, one of them being his future wife. Would he know which one right away? Not likely.

Would she have huge boobs? Probably.

The next day, Sirius was riding in a muggle limo up to the house he was going to stay at for the duration of the show when an owl started tapping on the window. He recognized it as James' owl, and he rolled down the window.

_Such nice friends I have, sending me encouragement_, Sirius thought as he untied the owl's letter. He opened it.

_Padfoot,_

_Way to go. By reading this letter you have just wasted 14 seconds of your life. _

_Your mate, _

_Prongs_

Sirius let out an exasperated sigh before tucking the letter into his luggage. It may be stupid, but he should probably keep it.

It would be the only thing he would get in a month that would remind him what complete prats his friends are.

The limo pulled into the driveway of an enormous mansion. "Wow... that is one gigantic house, it's nothing like the dump I live in now," Sirius said, to nobody, really. The limo came to a stop, and the door magically flew open. Sirius felt very sorry for the next muggles to use it.

A tall, handsome man helped Sirius out of the car. _Oh Merlin's beard, he's not playing too, is he? Because I don't do that!_ Sirius thought desperately.

"Hello, Sirius. I'm your host for _The Bachelor: Wizarding Edition_," the man said.

"I find that utterly fascinating," Sirius responded dryly. He looked up the driveway to where the girls were standing. Nope, none of them jumped out at him as his future wife, but quite a few of them jumped out at him, trying to rip his clothes off. He looked into the faces of all the girls surrounding him with swooning looks on their faces. He jumped in shock. He could recognize every one of them.


	2. Meet the Girls!

Disclaimer: Sirius isn't mine (nooooo!), he's JKR's. I don't even know who invented _The Bachelor_, but it wasn't me.

Yay! New chapter's finally here! Sorry it took so long! Next one will come sooner!

Oh, and just so you know, this chapter's REALLY boring, so i've made this handy, pocket-sized guide in case you want to skip it. if you really want to read it, just disregard the following boldy stuff:

**Jade-the "normal" one**

**Daphne-the smart one**

**Michelle-the flirt**

**Shea-the slut**

**Kristin-the dumbass**

**Liza-the funny one**

**Hanna-the muggle**

**Mary-Sue-the...Mary-Sue**

**Samantha-the deep one**

**Tracie-the fangirl**

**Emily-the athlete**

**Alyssa-the angel**

**and that's basically all that's in this chapter. just...worse. and boringer. well, enjoy!**

**Chapter 1--Meet The Girls!**

Sirius stared into the faces of all the girls, and the memories of all the alternate timeline romances he'd had with each of them came flooding back to him. His breath caught in his throat every time he looked at the next one in the line.

Suddenly, they all ran over to him, yelling, "Sirius! Siri! Remember me?" and "Sirius, come over here!" Even, "Sirius, you sexy beast, I want to snog you senseless!"

_Now this, I could live with…_ he thought, as he gave in to the wills of all of his former loves.

The very flamboyant host came up to him and helped (not really, as Sirius didn't exactly want help) pull him out of the mess of girls. "Now, Sirius, come with me." _Not a chance, dude… _"I'm taking you to watch the video entries of all these girls, to explain how you met them and what they're like." He added.

Sirius let out a sigh of relief before realizing something. "Wait…that's the whole chapter… I mean episode? That's not funny, that's torture!"

"Let's go view them now!" the host said quickly, pulling him into the mansion while muttering something about necessary plot points. They came to a room where there was a gigantic muggle T.V. The host ran over (which was hard, as he was wearing REALLY tight leather pants. Give him a break, it was the 80's!) to the screen and picked up the tape. He pushed it into the machine.

A girl's face flickered onto the screen. She had long black hair, celery green eyes, and pale, milky skin. _Jade_, Sirius thought.

"Hey. I'm Jade Feather. I met Sirius at a Weird Sisters concert a year or so ago, and we had so much in common. We danced together and sung the lyrics to all the songs. We really hit it off. Then he went and tried stage diving, and he got carried way from me, and I never saw him again." The video Jade said. Sirius smiled at the image of her. Jade was a strong-willed and down to earth individual, with a soft spot for, well, him. He'd loved her because she was virginal and sweet but still had a strong personality, and she really loved to laugh. They'd only had the concert together, and they'd only shared one kiss, but he had fallen in love. He'd gone looking for her every day far a while after the concert, to no avail.

His heart melted when an image of Daphne Richards appeared next on the screen. Her warm chocolate brown eyes matched her wavy auburn hair (pulled into a messy bun) perfectly. It was the eyes that were his weakness, though. Hers were concealed behind glasses, and she was beautiful to Sirius. She talked about how she had hated herself for having a crush on Sirius through most of their Hogwarts days, as many of his brainier fanfic flames often did, and how she thought he thought of her as a total bookworm when he really had a huge crush on her. Next, Daphne explained about how she and Sirius had finally bonded over their love of astronomy, and had fallen in love, but lost connections when school ended.

When the screen changed to show the third contestant, Sirius' jaw dropped and he started drooling. No doubt Mary-Sue Perry was absolutely one of the hottest people on the face of the earth. He was first on that list, of course, but she was right up there with him. Her long platinum blonde hair swished down her back, and her aqua blue eyes with the golden and silvery flecks sparkled in the light. Sirius was happy to see her perfectly curvy figure had, if possible, only become curvier since their crazy romances in the Room of Requirement. He couldn't help but stare avidly as she told the camera what it was like being better than everyone at everything. Okay, so she was a bit (or more than a bit) conceited, incredibly shallow, and she was Voldy's granddaughter. He had still fallen hard for her wild ways. His heart jumped when she closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair, just like it always used to.

Most of the contestants were some of his long term Hogwarts romances, whether they were his first real relationship or the one girl he'd been hopelessly in love with from the first moment he saw her. There was Quidditch star Emily Green, whose long chocolate hair and amber eyes had him under a spell. There was Samantha Loren, the deep, sensitive one. He had fallen in love with her as he wiped tears from her clear blue eyes when her owl died. Next, there was Alyssa Smith, Hogwarts' resident angel and the picture of innocence. She wouldn't go near him until he changed his playboy ways to and became more socially acceptable, which he gladly did, all for her. His heat jumped when the beautiful and hilarious Liza Bloom appeared on the screen. She had the power to make even someone who had recently suffered a serious loss laugh, that's how funny she was. He had dated her since his fourth year. every time her sparkly golden eyes shone in his mind, his whole body froze. Next, there was Michelle. she had fiery red, waist length hair, and an qually fiery temper, but she was also smart, a great kisser, andvery romantic...

The next Hogwarts hottie to take the screen was none other than Tracie Long, the obsessed fangirl that had absolutely worshipped him over him since the first moment she saw him, and founded the SBFC. Many of his school days were spent running from her, much like Lily and Prongs. In his 6th year, he had finally given her a chance, and boy, it was worth it.

He laughed as the next image appeared on the screen. It was the champagne blond head (or the back of it) of Kristin Davidson. She was turned away from the camera and talking animatedly to the wall. He loved her because she didn't intimidate him, being so ditzy and, well, stupid. Only he saw the inner beauty concealed behind those glittering silver eyes. A crew member jumped onto the screen and turned Kristin around, so that he got a full view of her face. He smiled at her image as she told the camera about who she thought would win in a fight, a tiger with a machine gun or a killer robot.

Next came Shea Fox, the girl with the short and highlighted blonde bob and… promiscuous attitude. Okay, so she was a slut. She began talking in her high, valley-girl-esque voice. "Like, I'm here, because I, like, love Sirius and stuff, and I, like, have been, like, so bored, like, without him, you know? He's like, so much better than all the other guys I've, like, hooked up with since we, like, split, if you know what I mean…" she said, raising her eyebrows. "And he like, was the first guy that the emotional experience was, like, there, and stuff." she said, and he could say that the feeling was definitely mutual.

The screen announced that the next contestant would be the last one (all the readers let out a sigh of relief). The last girl appeared, looking extremely nervous, and Sirius' heart went out to her. Of course Hanna was nervous, she was a Muggle. She was afraid all the other girls would curse her to death because she had no defense, and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be okay, just like he used to. He could have had her strawberry blonde head on his shoulder, just staring into her brown eyes forever.

The screen flickered off (Readers: FINALLY!). Sirius was left to his own thoughts as he ran a hand through his silky raven black hair and his pale grey eyes closed in puzzlement. Pick just one of them? He wasn't sure he could to that. He was in love with every single one.

A/N- Oooh, drama! Sorry about the boring-ness of this chapter, the next one will be funnier, I swear! Don't kill me!

Oh, and please review and tell me what you think! And tell me which character is your favorite, to help me choose who I kick out! I love you all (almost as much as I love Sirius, and that's saying something!)!


	3. Pineapple of Maturity

Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff. If you don't know that by now… shame.

Thanks to opalshine for helping me with this chapter!

**Chapter 2 Pineapple of Maturity**

Sirius stood in the cavernous lobby of the house, waiting for the twelve girls to come down the stairs. Tonight, he would have a candlelit dinner with each one separately, for about 15 minutes each. He was really looking forward to seeing all of them again.

He looked up. Liza was at the top of the stairs. Her ginger hair was tied up in a messy bun, and her golden dress matched her eyes. She looked at him and smiled. Then she pointed to the host, who was fixing his hair in the mirror (Sirius was reminded painfully of James), and then to the bowl of fruit on a nearby table. Sirius snorted.

Shea was wearing an extremely short hot pink backless dress with a deep v-cut. If she took it off, it would probably fit in a matchbox. He saw Kristin coming down next, wearing her heels on the wrong feet. When she tripped, Sirius ran forward to catch her, but Mary-Sue, who was on the steps behind her, caught her first. Mary-Sue was quite nice, but all the girls seemed to already hate her. Maybe it was because of the way Sirius looked at her.

Sirius watched as Kristin stepped on the back of Michelle's dress. Maybe it was an accident.

"Hey! Watch it!" Michelle called.

Kristin stuck her tongue out at her. "Shut up!" she called.

"Wow, aren't you just the pinnacle of maturity?" Michelle retorted.

"I AM the pineapple of maturity!" Kristin said. Behind her, Daphne snorted.

Someone tapped Sirius on the shoulder. He spun around, and was saddened to see the tight-pants-wearing host who Liza thought was a fruit standing there.

"So, whose first, Sirius?" the host said.

"Um… I'll take…Samantha," Sirius said, motioning towards the girl in the sleek silver dress.

She smiled happily and pulled him out to where there food was.

"So, Siri, what you been up to?" she said, her clear blue eyes boring into him.

Back in the hall, the girls were getting along…not well.

Hanna was cowering in fear as Shea used her wand to slash bits of fabric from her dress off. No doubt she thought one of the severing charms was going to miss the dress and hit her.

"Do you guys, like, think this dress, like, shows my boobs, like, too much?" Shea asked, twirling around.

"Yes," Jade answered.

"Good."

Jade rolled her eyes.

"Okay, next up…Shea, you're next," the host said, as Samantha entered the room, smiling.

Shea's eyes darted back and forth. She was about to run out the door, but before she did, she gave the bottom of her dress one final slash, and a scrap of sparkly hot pink material fluttered to the ground.

Daphne shook her head. "I can't believe he loves her."

"Why not? She's prettyful. Not as prettyful as me, though," Kristin said, as she tried to walk in her backwards shoes.

Daphne looked at Jade. About a second later, both of them broke down laughing.

CRASH. The sound came from the dining room, and all the girls heard it.

"That sounded suspiciously like someone jumping on a table and knocking all the china to the floor," Liza said, frowning.

Shea walked back out of the door, her knee covered in some kind of green goop.

"What do you know? Green blood. She's not human after all. She's an alien planted here by a planet of space girls who want to take Sirius away," Liza said, rolling her eyes.

"ALIEN!" Kristin called, running out of the room (heels still on the wrong feet).

"Um, like, what's, like, going on?" Shea said, twirling her hair around her finger.

"Liza? You're up," Fruity-host-dude said.

"Hey, Sirius," she said, walking into the room. "What the hell happened in here?" she motioned towards the food splattered walls and broken glass.

"Don't ask," he said, putting his head down on the table.

"Too late, I just did."

"Oh," he said, grinning. "Hurricane Shea happened."

She laughed. "Blinded by her dress much?"

"What dress?" he asked, still grinning.

"That thing she was wearing. More commonly known as... dental floss," She clarified.

They talked happily to each other, and once the fifteen minutes were over, she walked out the door. He was sad to see her go, and even sadder when a sobbing Hanna entered the room. She buried her head in his shoulder, pulling him to her tighter. He felt a tingle down his spine.

"Siri, all your other girlfriends hate me!" she said, still crying. For the rest of the time she was in the room with him, he couldn't really talk to her; because she was too busy bawling. She left rather reluctantly.

After he had spent his fifteen minutes with Tracie, Emily, and Alyssa, Michelle walked into the room, her fiery hair swishing around her waist. Her blue eyes locked on him, and his heart skipped a beat.

Admittedly, most of his date with Michelle was spent snogging. Not that he minded. Of all the girls in the group, she was probably the best kisser. He watched her go.

Mary-Sue came into the room next, and sat down at the table. He stared at her in amazement over her beauty as she elegantly sipped her water and nibbled at a few leaves of lettuce. He vaguely registered her leaving the room, but noticed when Kristin entered, because she pinned him to the ground, and pulled him under the table.

"What are you"- He began, but she pout her hand over his mouth.

"Don't worry, love, I'll protect you from the evil alien planet with every fiber of my being," she whispered.

He laughed, though you couldn't hear it, because her hand was still cupped over his mouth.

And his date with Kristin was spent hiding from the alien that was Shea under the table.

When she left, promising to keep the alien under control for him, her realized that that had been eleven, and whoever was the next date was last. He was sad, yet somewhat relieved.

Jade walked into the room and sat down, her celery-green eyes flashing briefly as she looked at the food still splattered everywhere. Her expression softened instantly when she looked at him.

"Hey, Sirius," she said.

"Hi, Jade," he said with a smile.

"I missed you," she said, edging closer to him across the table.

"Me, too. And…I looked for you,"

"Yeah, me too. I looked a lot," She replied.

Fifteen minutes passed with them talking and joking. Jade kissed him on the cheek and walked out of the room, to be replaced by the host.

"Okay, Sirius. Go to your room, and you'll find something," the host said with a smile.

Hoping he didn't mean what Sirius thought he meant Sirius went to his room and found eleven roses, and a note.

_Sirius,_

_The contestants are waiting in the next room. Give a rose to the ones you want to keep around, and the one that does not receive a rose must leave the house, the game, and you life forever. _

He sighed. Eliminate one? Easier said than done.

-----------------------------------------------

Twenty minutes later, Shea and Hanna stood in front of Sirius, who was holding a single rose in his hand. Which one would get it?

He sighed. Shea drove him crazy, but she wasn't mother or wife material. Hanna was just never happy, and would also probably be killed by his family (he was disowned, yes, but his mother and father still wouldn't let it happen) for being a Muggle. He couldn't let that happen to her. He explained all this to both girls, and was somewhat annoyed to see that tears were forming in Hanna's eyes. Part of him wanted to tell her to stop, part of him wanted to throw his arms around her.

Behind him, the girls with roses gasped in shock as the final rose in his hand was given to Shea.

The first heart was broken as Hanna left the house sobbing.

A/N- well? What do you think? Please, please, please review! If I got a review for every ten people who read this story, I would be SO HAPPY!


	4. Is Stupidity a Virus?

Disclaimer: Not mine…

**Chapter 3- Is Stupidity a Virus?**

For someone Sirius was supposedly in love with, he forgot about Hanna pretty quickly. Maybe it was because there were still eleven beautiful women fighting for his affections. No, literally. He had to help Fairy Host (he had yet to care enough to learn his name, so he just called him FH) pry Tracie and Emily apart, because they were engaged in quite the catfight, they were figthing so intensely had tumbled down the stairs and not noticed.

He sighed. It sure was hard being this sexy.

He walked into a room of the house he thought would be empty, and saw Alyssa lying on the couch, reading a book. She had always seemed like she was more Moony's type than his, because she was always so quiet, conservative, and she always had her head in a book.

She looked up. "Oh, hey, darling… I'm glad you're here. I was hoping to get you alone for a minute before tonight. I don't think I'll be there," she said. Tonight was the infamous "hot tub" group date, and all the girls would be trying to get his attention wearing smaller-than-the-legal-limit bikinis, most likely. Sirius was excited, but he could see why Alyssa wouldn't want to go. He grinned.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, love. I know what you're thinking about," Alyssa said, frowning.

"Sorry, Lyss…" he said. "You sure you're not coming?"

"Yeah. I'd rather read my book then be out there, watching a bunch of practically naked girls climb all over my Siri," she said, turning back to her book.

_She'd rather read a book than spend time with me? _Sirius thought, as he left the room to get ready.

------------------------------------

Sirius walked out onto the patio, to see that he was correct about the bikini thing. He had to resist bursting out laughing when he saw Kristin. One of the girls had written "I'm with stupid," on her forehead, and she had yet to notice. Either that or it was permanent. Shea was reacting to almost getting kicked off in the only way she knew how: by wearing even less than usual, which meant, of course, she was wearing nothing. He saw her lying on a pool chair on her stomach, and she winked at him.

Mary-Sue was floating in the pool on a float, wearing a silvery bathing suit. It didn't look tacky on her at all, the way it would on anyone else. She was too busy basking in her own amazingness to notice Michelle float up behind her, but she did notice when Michelle flipped the float over.

"AUGH! MY HAIR! MY PERFECT BLONDE HAIR! IT'S WET! IT'S…oh, okay, it still looks perfect."

"Hey, Siri!" said an enthusiastic voice in his ear, one which he recognized as Tracie's. He felt her arms wrap around him. "Wanna come to the pool house with me?"

"Er, I have to stay here now, Trace."

"Later, then?"

"Er…"

"My God! Is stupidity a virus? First that Davidson girl, who hasn't noticed she's got stuff written on her head, even though she's looked in the mirror plenty, and now everyone's got it…I mean, the one we all hate is floating around on a pool float, that whore's tanning _in the dark_, and this one over here can't seem to grasp that maybe Sirius wants a little more than a shag," Liza said to Jade, pointing at Tracie and scowling.

"Yeah, and that blonde girl doesn't realize this is a _reality show_, and that she should care more about Sirius then what happens to the characters in that book of hers," Jade added, glaring at Alyssa, who was sitting by a nearby window, still poring over her book.

"Still, makes it a bit easier for one of us to win, huh?" Liza said.

She and Jade high-fived.

--------------------------------

The hot tub was absolutely chaotic. Even for Sirius, there was just too much going on. The producers of the show had made Shea put something on because they couldn't be arsed to use the blurring tool. She came back out dressed in a string bikini that also looked like it had had a severing charm or two (or ten) applied to it. She climbed into the tub and sat directly on Sirius' lap.

"Get off my man, you bitch!" Emily called, jumping on top of Shea and tugging on her hair.

The two of them began fighting in the center of the tub, splashing everyone with steamy water. Sirius watched with an expression of mild amusement. After about a minute, everyone was soaked, and all the girls seemed to be debating whether or not to break up the fight. They were getting soaked by the splashing and the yelling coming from the fighting girls meant that they couldn't talk very much, but if they kept fighting Shea wouldn't be climbing all over Sirius, and Emily just might knock her out (which they all wanted to happen). Jade eventually settled the matter by giving the duelling girls a hard shove and pushing them into the pool attached to the hot tub, where the fight continued but didn't bother anyone.

Kristin squealed in delight and clapped her hands. Everyone gave her and odd look. "Guys! I just got the best idea ever!"

"You? An idea? You've got to be shitting me!" Liza said, clapping her hand to her cheek and feigning shock. Daphne inhaled quite a lot of water laughing and had a choking fit. Sirius patted her back.

"Let's play truth or dare!" Kristin squealed. "Someone give me a dare!"

"I dare you to go in the house and not come back," Tracie said to her.

Kristin ran into the house, giggling enthusiastically.

"Now, let's play some real truth or dare!" Michelle said, a wicked grin spreading across her face.

"'Kay, then. Jade, truth or dare?"

"Dare," she said with a smile.

"I dare you to dump someone's shampoo in this tub," Michelle said.

"Fruit man!" Liza called.

Jade jumped out of the hot tub and ran off. She came back with her arms full of bright bottles, laughing. "You guys! The host guy had like thirty bottles of shampoo! And this gardenia scented body wash!" she said, holding up a sickeningly pink bottle.

Everyone laughed and helped her empty the bottles into the tub. They watched as the surface of the water began rising, and soon they were all buried in gardenia scented foam. Sirius blew at the foam that was covering his face.

"Hey Sirius! Sorry, but I knocked out your 'ho girlfriend," Emily's voice rang out from outside of the hot tub. "What the fuck?" she said. She must have noticed the pink foam.

"Oh, you know…orgy," Liza's voice said. Sirius cracked up.

"A pink foam orgy?" Emily questioned.

"You've never done it! Wow, you've been missing out!" Liza replied.

"WILL YOU TWO PRATS STOP JOKING AROUND? THIS FOAM IS IN MY EYES, AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S MESSING UP MY HAIR!" Mary-Sue called.

"Your hair is perfect," Samantha said, her voice sounding from somewhere very close to Mary-Sue.

"Bitch," Tracie said.

"Just frickin' get me out…" Mary-Sue whined.

After the show's crew had pulled them out of the foam, they had told them to end the date now so they could clean up the set before FH came back and had a bitchflip because all of his shampoo and gardenia body wash was gone.

Sirius went back to his room to find ten roses, and a note:

_Sirius, _

_These ten roses go to the ten girls you want to keep in the game. Also, I borrowed your body wash. I can't find mine. I know one of your bitches stole it. I WILL get my revenge. _

Sirius gathered up the ten roses in his hand and went into the next room, where ten girls were standing, and one was sprawled unconscious on the ground (Shea).

The first nine roses were given out quickly (Shea was given one, and Jade accepted it on her behalf and dragged Shea away by her ankle, "accidentally" banging her head into the doorframe. Four times), and Sirius twirled the last one in his hand nervously, as Alyssa and Kristin stood before him.

"Kris. You're kind of…"

"Sexy?"

"Stupid. And the other girls don't seem to like you very much," Sirius explained, slowly. His eyes darted back up to the writing still on her forehead.

"Alyssa. You don't seem to care about me as much as you used to. I don't know why, but you care more about your book than you do me," he said. She opened her mouth to protest, but it was too late.

Kristin had the rose.

-------------------------------------

A/N- You like? Not bad, eh? PLEASE REVIEW! I BEG OF YOU! Tell me which girl you like, and I'll use your votes to see who to kick off. Chapter four coming soon!


	5. Is That Legal?

Disclaimer: The Bachelor, Harry Potter, Room Raiders. Not mine. But if they were, that would be cool.

**Chapter Four- Is that Legal?**

"Sirius! Get up!"

Sirius opened his eyes drowsily and noticed that it was still dark in his bedroom. Someone was on top of him, shaking him awake. Then he realized who it was.

"AUUGH! DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?" Sirius yelled, throwing the person who was on him off the bed.

It was the fairy host.

"WHY THE HELL WERE YOU ON ME?" Sirius yelled again, and the host pressed his palm to Sirius' mouth to shut him up.

"Shh! Shut up! You'll wake those soap-stealing pains in the arse you call your true loves. Now calm down and I'll explain why I'm here."

_Easy for you to say. I'll bet my motorbike that you'd be reacting VERY differently to waking up with a homosexual on top of you… AUUGH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

The host grabbed the flower vase Sirius was about to slam into his head. "Sirius, there's something one of these girls is hiding. Some unidentified magical object was detected in the house, so one of them is breaking the rules of the game. Our highly overpaid writers have devised a brilliant plan. I'm here to tell you that your next challenge will be to go through the girls' stuff to find out more about them."

"Is that legal?"

"It's legal enough. If you find any magical objects, any potions, anything at all, bring it to us."

"Okay…and you had to tell me this at one in the morning?"

"So the girls didn't overhear. See you at breakfast, then," FH said. And he walked out, leaving Sirius to whack himself in the head with any heavy objects he could find.

----------------------------

Sirius walked in to the breakfast room the next morning to find the ten girls sitting there. Shea had a gigantic purple bruise on her head from the fight, and Liza was explaining to Kristin how that was a sure sign that she was an alien, and that the only way to protect yourself was to dump a bucket of ice down your pants.

Shea was trying to talk to Jade. She seemed oblivious to the fact that Jade kinda sorta hated her.

"So, like, what happened to my, like head?"

"Like, why? Does it, like, hurt and, like, stuff?" Jade said. Then she rolled her eyes and returned to her breakfast.

Sirius took the empty seat at the head of the table, and began piling food on his plate.

-------------------------

The girls had all been locked up in a separate room of the house, where they were being told Sirius would search through their stuff and they couldn't hide anything.

Samantha's room was first.

He walked in, and the first thing he noticed was the picture of him and her smiling at each other that she had put on the bedside table. He looked through Samantha's stuff, feeling a bit guilty. Then he remembered one of the girls was trying to do something to him and he kept looking. Clothes, makeup, shampoo…all normal girl stuff. Nothing wrong here.

The next room in the line was Kristin's. He opened the door and his first reaction was, '_why would someone nail pancakes to the wall?'_

Kristin had left her diary open on her bed, which is probably not the smartest idea when you're in a house full of girls who hate you. He opened the diary.

_Dear Steve, _

_Today I tryed to smoosh the alien lady with a hammer but she woke up before I could hit her. I like siryus a lot. Hes nice and only called me stupid once. I hope I win the game._

_-Kristin_

"_Well, that was informative," _thought Sirius as he left the room after finding nothing.

Mary-Sue's room was next. He was in and out of there as quickly as possible. The bed was perfectly made, the room was perfectly clean, her clothes were perfectly folded, and everything was perfectly perfect. He shuddered just thinking about it.

Emily's room was next. The room was an explosion of orange, because Emily supported the Chudley Cannons. There was a quaffle on the dresser; along with a chain bracelet he had given her and an oddly shaped bottle with funny looking pills in it. Sirius picked up the bottle, and read the label.

"Hmm. Midol extra strength…oh, yeah, Moony said he used to take this stuff after full moons when he wasn't at Hogwarts…but what does it do?"

He read the back of the label. "OH GROSS!" he yelled, throwing the bottle in the air and running out of the room.

Michelle's room was all blue, and made him feel quite peaceful after his run-in with the evil pills. He noticed that she was keeping the two roses he had given her in a vase next to her bed.

Shea's room was all pink and fuzzy, and, as he had always been with anything of Shea's, he was afraid to touch anything, and he had been this way ever since he knew how many types of STDs there were. Shea had bewitched a picture frame so it switched between two pictures, a picture of her wearing lingerie and a picture of his face in a heart. Now, Shea's magic skills weren't the best, so the spell kept messing up and putting his face on her body. It was VERY disturbing.

After visiting Tracie's room (a shrine to him), he went into Daphne's. Her room looked a lot like a library; there were so many books in it. He picked up the one that was lying on her bed. It had the corner of one of the pages folded down._ 'So this was the book she was reading now,' _Siriusthought. He looked at the title. Some girly romance novel. Not a book on how to assassinate sexy reality show stars. Daphne was clean.

Liza's room made him smile upon entering it, just like everything else about her did. She had a list taped up on her wall. He read the title and cracked up.

_**Why the host is a fruit**_

**_1) He wears pants that would look better on my little sister. She's five. _**

**_2) He has bleached his hair. _**

**_3) Three words. Gardenia body wash. _**

**_4) He colour coordinates his socks. I kid you not. _**

**_5) He recognized what kind of perfume I had on_**

**_6) He doesn't stare at little miss perfect the way everyone else (Sirius included) does._**

Sirius felt a pang of guilt at the last sentence. Did he really stare at Mary-Sue more than he did the other girls?

After he was done in Liza's room, he headed into the last room, Jade's.

Jade had a perfectly normal room, he was glad to say. It was neat, but the bed was unmade. There was a picture of the two of them at that concert, he was giving her a piggyback ride and they were both laughing hysterically as she waved a lighter in the air and looked down at him admiringly. In the picture, she was wearing the "Weird sisters," necklace he had gotten her. In fact, he thought he had seen that same chain around her neck that morning, though the WS lettering part was tucked under her shirt.

There weren't any weird magical items in Jade's room, either. He left and headed back down to the room the host was standing in, his arms crossed over his tight pink silk shirt. Sirius stifled a laugh.

"Anything?" the host asked.

"Nope, nothing," Sirius said, shrugging.

The host sighed. "Okay, maybe it was just a fluke. Well, you know what to do, then," he said, motioning to Sirius' room.

Sirius walked into his own room and scooped up the nine roses before walking out to the "Rose Ceremony," room, where the nine girls were standing. It was a hard choice this time, because he hadn't really gotten to see the girls much today.

The first eight roses were given out easily, and now only tow girls stood before him.

Shea and Mary-Sue.

Shea was here for that freaky picture, which he had thrown out the window. Mary-Sue was here because, well, she had absolutely nothing to offer him except for her looks.

And that's why Shea got the rose.

-------------------------------------

A/N- I know, I hate Shea too, but she needs to stay around. Now, a few notes:

Midol- menstrual cramp pills. In case you don't know.

I know that normally you can't contract an STD from touching a wall, but Shea really is so disgusting she makes people believe the impossible.

This isn't my best chapter. I know.

**Review and VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE! Oh, and tell me who you hate. And what you liked. And what you didn't. And other junk. **


	6. Why PMS Pills Should Be Contraband

Disclaimer: you know the drill…

New chapter! Yay! For this beginning bit—

**BOLD-**James and Sirius.

**_Boldy slanty-_** Lily.

**Chapter five-Why PMS pills should be contraband**

Sirius, feeling exhausted after a long day of fending off attractive women (and possibly a fruit/reality show host), decided to write a letter to James.

**Hey Prongs, **

**This house is the shiznit. I have the strange feeling that the host is a fairy, but the rest of the girls and I are tighter than his pants. He wears leather pants. From the children's section. I still don't know his name, though. Maybe it's Homer. Homer Sexual. Probably. So far I've outed Hanna, Alyssa, and Mary-Sue. poor blonde chicks. Oh well, I've still gots me nine more. Well, eight after today. Like I always say, it's hard being this sexy. Not that you would know. Wish you guys could come visit. This house is huge. **

**-Padfoot.**

After Sirius had written the letter, he collapsed on his bed and fell asleep.

--------------------------------

The next morning, Sirius woke up to the sound of bitching. From what he could hear, Liza had stolen Homer Sexual's hair rollers, and his hair lacked its required TV pretty bouncability. He smiled and headed down to breakfast. After they were done eating, James' owl swooped through the window, clutching a letter.

**Yo, Padfoot!**

**What do you mean I'm not sexy! I gots me my Lily didn't I?**

_**Yes, after seven years! You must have brained my damage!**_

**Lils? Why are you writing on my letter? You're making me look... almost bad. **

**_I'm bored, love. Being this pregnant can do that to a girl._**

**But I'm James frickin' Potter! Father of Harry Potter if it's a boy; or Jameszella potter if it's a girl. **

**_Yes, let's all pray for a boy, then. Sirius, pray with me._**

**Well, if I weren't married I'd be totally envious a bunch of hot girls all over you all the time (not that I'm not used to it. man whore.) how come I've never met some of these girls? I've never heard of Jade before. and is that extremely hot one-- **

_**Hmph!**_

**well, Moony thinks so; I'm married, of course.**

_**that's better, dear**_

**--the fruit of Voldy's loins? good thing you kicked her off 'fore she went apeshit on your arse. by the way that host guy (who we marauders and Lils call Ricardo) seems to have a crush on you (we've seen the last few episodes on the telly) and if the rumours i'm going to start are true you'll probably be walking out with him instead of one of the girls **

**See you, Mrs. Ricardo,**

**your INCREDIBLY sexy friend (sexier than a conglomeration of you and all those chicks--except, like, man sexy) Prongs **

Sirius looked up from the letter, to see Homer S./Ricardo standing in front of him. His hair lacked its usual blatantly fruit-like bounce, curl, and shine.

"Yeah, dude?" Sirius said, baking away slightly after what he had read in James' letter.

"Sirius, do you know what your challenge for today is?"

"Um…yes?" they had told him earlier. He had to kiss all the girls while wearing a blindfold and pick one to go on a date with. It was his first private date.

The host ignored his response and went on explaining what Sirius had to do today, staring directly into the camera. Sirius forgot he was supposed to play dumb. The host lead him to a new room in the house that Sirius hadn't seen before. It was almost like it magically sprung up.

'_It probably did, you idiot,' _Sirius' head told him.

Sirius entered the room and saw a cushy looking chair. The host instructed Sirius to sit down in it and then proceeded to tie a blindfold around his eyes. if there hadn't been cameras in the room, Sirius would have run for it; which would have been hilarious with a blindfold on. Sirius mentally reminded himself not to let anyone who smelled like plumeria (the host had found his secret back up bottle) body wash kiss him.

"Ready, Sirius?"

"For the girls to come in, you mean?"

"Yeah. Here's contestant number one."

The door opened, and Sirius heard the click of heels on the marble floor. He felt someone's soft hands on his. And then someone's lips on his, definitely girl lips. It was a very nice kiss, gentle and sweet.

The second kiss was a bit more passionate, but still sweet. The third girl smashed her mouth to his and clung on for dear life. the fourth kiss he liked a lot, whoever gave it was a really good Kisser.

He heard the fifth girl enter the room, and then he heard a 'THUMP,' and then "OWW!" signalling that contestant five had tripped and fallen. Whoever it was accidentally kissed his eye, which he couldn't even feel under the blindfold. The host cut in in the middle of this kiss.

"Contestant five! Why are YOU wearing a blindfold?" he said. Even with the blindfold on, Sirius cold tell he was twirling his hands around flamboyantly. Once he had gotten a proper kiss from contestant five, the sixth girl walked in.

She gave him a deep kiss, and halfway through started laughing.

"Hmmm?" he asked(ish).

"There's a wet mark on your blindfold? Were you crying?" the voice whispered. Sirius cracked a smile.

"Hey! No talking!" the camera man said. Contestant five left.

The seventh kiss wasn't that so much as it was a face washing. Like a cat. Whoever it was thought it…well, maybe they thought it would be kinky or something…to lick Sirius' whole face. So they did. After she left, Sirius was given a cloth by a laughing set assistant.

----------------------------------

**_Meanwhile, back in the waiting room _**

Shea was currently in the kissing room, and the final two contestants, Emily and Jade, were sitting in chairs, waiting to go in.

Emily opened her purse and pulled out a pill.

"Oh! Can I have one?" Jade asked. She had seen Emily take a Midol earlier that morning.

"Sorry, I only brought one," Emily said, closing her hand loosely over the pill.

"That's cool. I got time to get one," Jade said, referring to the fact that it was Shea in there. She got up and walked to her room to get one of her pills.

Jade reached her room and picked up her bottle of Midol, only to find that it was empty. _'Damn! Well, Emily won't mind… I'll just use one of hers!' _Jade thought, sneaking into Emily's room. She picked up Emily's pills upside down, but the cap was loose, and all the pills came spilling out.

'_Hm. Odd…these don't look like the ones I take…but the bottle is the same,'_ Jade mused. She picked up one of the pills, sniffed it (which is everyone's first reaction to strange pills, right?) and gasped. It smelled like Sirius' cologne and liquorice wands and jasmine. Jade looked at the remaining pills on the dresser and crushed all of them. When she moved her hand away, smoke rose up in spirals from the pills and a pearly liquid flowed out. The swirls of smoke formed into hearts before fading away.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S LOVE POTION! SIRIUS!" Jade called, running out of the room. As she reached the room, she saw Shea walking away. So Emily must be in there now! Jade hoped she wasn't too late as she ran up to the door of the kiss room and yanked it open. Emily was leaning in to kiss Sirius, the odd bulge in her cheek hidden from the camera.

"STOP!" Jade yelled, running up to Emily and pushing her to the ground. Sirius ripped off his blindfold.

"What the hell is going on?" Sirius said, glaring at both of them.

"Spit it out!" Jade said, scowling at Emily. Sirius was torn between looking confused and upset. The host looked at Jade.

"She's got a pill in her mouth!" Jade gasped.

"Dude…Midol! See?" Emily said, pulling the pill out of her mouth.

Sirius looked confused. "Why were you hiding it in your mouth? I mean, come on, Em, you would never do that, but it seems kind of odd…"

"Just frickin' smash it open!" Jade snarled.

"I don't think Em would do that. Just let her take the pill and let's get on with it!" Sirius said.

Jade stormed up to Emily and snatched the soggy pill out of her hand. She held it up to Sirius' nose. "smell it," she ordered.

Sirius did, and his eyes widened. "It smells like…Chocolate Frogs and Gryffindor tower and a crackling fire…" he said.

The host grabbed the pill. "it smells like Abercrombie and Fitch and tanning oil and a Cosmopolitan! It's Amortentia!" he yelled, crushing the pill in his fist. The pearly potion dripped down, and the swirling smoke seeped out from between his fingers. Emily froze.

"So! You were going to pop that pill open in my mouth, so that both of us would get affected and fall madly in love and leave the game?" Sirius asked. Before Emily could respond, she was dragged out of the house by the security, and the host and camera crew followed. Jade and Sirius were left in the room, alone.

----------------------------

Sirius felt a surge of guilt for not trusting Jade. "Jay? I'm sorry. I should have believed you."

"Damn straight," she said, glaring at him.

He smiled weakly and her expression softened. "You know, I still haven't kissed you yet," Sirius said to her, stepping closer.

She smiled and her nose crinkled. He had always loved it when she did that. He still did, as a matter of fact.

They moved closer, and then their lips met, softly at first, but then they deepened the kiss. Jade wrapped her arms around his neck.

Just then, the door banged open. "Sirius? Emily has been dis--" he began, and Jade and Sirius split apart at the sound of his voice.

'_Bet he timed it like that on purpose,'_ Sirius thought, as Jade waved goodbye and left the room.

Sirius had to follow closely behind with the host, to see the identities of all the girls.

When he got in the room, he saw them all standing in al line, Samantha wore a number one, Daphne wore two, Tracie three, Michelle four, Kristin five, Liza six, Shea seven, and Jade nine. Number eight wasn't there.

Now Sirius had to pick a winner to go on a date with. He honestly couldn't remember all of the kisses after what had happened, and he couldn't just scroll up the page like you, can he? One kiss really stood out in his mind, though.

So he asked Jade to go on a date with him. And she agreed.

----------------------------------

Sirius found himself many hours later, sticking his head out of the sunroof of the limo with Jade as they watched the sunset. The sun set rather late in California, because it was around nine o' clock. His date with Jade had been quite the Box Social (Box Social? What am I on?), and now they were driving back to the house for the rose ceremony. They'd had a simple but elegant dinner at some fancy restaurant, nothing really dazzling, but Sirius was still glad he had picked Jade.

Once they got to the house, Jade gave Sirius another kiss and ran off to the "rose ceremony room," while Sirius went off to his bedroom.

There were eight roses in the vase next to the note. There were also eight girls left. Sirius picked up the note.

_Sirius,_

_There will be no rose ceremony tonight. Out ratings have shot up after we made the episode teaser for the "Emily incident," and we want to drag the show out, so we can't kick off two girls in one show, and, as you know, Emily's already been disqualified. You must give these eight roses to the eight remaining girls, even though they serve no use to them and I would think that a better solution would be to give them to me, I could mix them into my new French milled soap recipe and they would turn my skin really soft…Anyway…yeah._

Sirius pulled the eight roses out of the vase and gave one to each of the eight surviving girls, this time receiving a kiss from all of them as well. He felt better about not knocking another one off this time, and went back to his room to write a note to James before bed.

**Prongs, **

**That Quidditch chick (Emily) got disqualified for popping pills. They've confiscated all the Midol in this house. I think Ricardo took it the hardest. It worries me, too. I'm having a great time, though, and I can't wait to see this episode. They said there's an interview with Emily at the end. That, I have to see. She was pretty psychotic when they dragged her out of the house. **

**Still sexier than you,**

**Padfoot **

**------------------------------------**

A/N- there, a nice, long chappie. Did you like it? I'll have Emily's interview in the epilogue, when Sirius and his wife are watching the episodes over. **Don't forget to vote! It's easy! **Just click the magic "GO" button right down there and you're on a spaceship to adventure! Er…the adventures of reviewing!** HUZZAH!**

**Oh, check this out! My homeslice, opalshine...the one who created Jade...has gladly posted the story of Sirius and Jade (becaute i hath commanded it...kinda)! you can read it by going to http/ or you can find it on my favs list. go and read it. I hath commanded you.**

In case you don't know, you CAN vote for Ricardo/Homer. Just because it'll be funny.


	7. Buttless Chaps and Talent? Shows

**Chapter six—Buttless chaps and talent? shows**

Disclaimer: Someday I will rule the world, and the Potterverse will be MINE! Not yet, though. For now all I own is the plot and about half the contestants. And Ricardo/Homer. I know, you're all jealous that he can come shopping with me and tell me what colors flatter my shape.

_Michelle's poem was written by some guy named Rex A. Williams,_

_Samantha's song was sung by Westlife,_

_Jade's song was sung by Avril Lavigne_

((Yes, I listen to better music, but they're appropriate songs))

**This chapter is dedicated to opalshine, who brought buttless chaps into the equation…and she created Jade. She even made a story about hoe Jade and Sirius met. You should read it! **

Sirius was asleep in his warm bed again, and he vaguely registered the weight of someone on top of him.

'_God, if it's that fruit again,'_ he thought, as he jumped up and screamed, the person flying off of him.

It was Shea.

"What the fuck, Shea? You know you're not supposed to be in here!" He yelled.

"I couldn't stay away, babyyy…" She purred into his ear. It was then that he noticed that she was wearing next to nothing (as was usual), except this time she wasn't wearing _anything_ on the top half of her body.

"Shea…I'm trying to sleep here…" He sighed.

"You don't need beauty sleep, baby, you're already beautiful enough…" She whispered.

"Yeah, well I'd still like to get a little sleep…" he said, frowning at her.

"But baby!" she said, as he grabbed the lamp off of the nightstand and pushed her out the door with it, because any real physical contact may give her ideas. Disturbing ideas.

Sirius frowned and fell backwards onto his bed, immediately falling back asleep.

----------------------------------------

"A talent show?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, Sirius, in which the winner goes out clubbing with you and the loser…well, obviously…doesn't get a rose.

"Okay, cool… Are you wearing buttless chaps?"

"Oh…I must have gotten in late last night and forgotten to change…"

"Yeah, I gotta go," said Sirius, before tearing down the hall to Liza's room.

"Ly! Open up!" He yelled, banging on the door.

A very sleepy Liza opened the door, and she smiled and her golden eyes shone when she realized it was him. "Siri! What's up?"

"Your list. I got some stuff for it."

She laughed and handed him a pen. He followed her into the room, and she led him to the list on the wall. He saw that there were a few new things written on it.

_**7) He does that stupid "Cucumbers on the eyes," thing. And he doesn't eat the cucumbers afterwards like a normal person.**_

_**8) His name is probably Lance or Julio or something. Not that any of us know his real name. It's one of life's great mysteries.**_

**_9)He told me not to wear my blue dress yesterday, and instead wear my favorite jeans and gold halter top, because it matches my eyes and vertical stripes are slimming. _**

_**He was right. **_

**_10) He eats pomegranates. Everyone knows that pomegranates are fruit fruit. _**

Sirius laughed and brought the pen to the paper.

_**11) Buttless chaps. End of story. **_

She looked at the paper and snorted. "Are you kidding me?"

"Sadly, no," he said. She cringed.

"Well then, I'll see you at the talent show, Siri,"

"Okay, Ly."

She kissed him before he left.

-------------------------------

"All right, Sirius, the contestants are coming out one at a time, and they'll do their bit, and then you'll pick you're favorite to go on a date with you." Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio said, as he squirmed a bit in his seat.

'_Yes, it must be a change for him to wear NORMAL pants…'_ Sirius thought, and cringed.

Shea walked out on the stage wearing a very tiny and glittery costume. Sirius somehow knew what she was going to do. Possibly because there was now a stripper pole growing out of the middle of the stage.

Sirius watched with a mix of mild interest, embarrassment, and disgust as Shea showed off her 'talent.' She was probably right, though, because she didn't seem capable of being talented at anything that didn't involve taking her clothes off.

"Going to have to edit that out," the producer muttered, as Shea picked up her now discarded lingerie set and sauntered off the stage. The stage crew made her put on some clothes before she joined Sirius and Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio, in the audience, where they would watch the other contestants.

Samantha was next, and she came out in a long pale blue dress with her hair tied up in a knot, then she took the microphone and a soft tune began playing from the magical piano. Samantha looked directly into Sirius' eyes and sang:

_Hello, let me know if you hear me  
Hello, if you want to be near  
Let me know  
And I'll never let you go_

Hey love  
When you ask what I feel, I say love  
When you ask how I know  
I say trust

And if that's not enough

It's every little thing you do  
That makes me fall in love with you  
There isn't a way that I can show you  
Ever since I've come to know you  
It's every little thing you say  
That makes me wanna feel this  
There's not a thing that I can point to  
'Cause it's every little thing you do

Don't ask why  
Let's just feel what we feel  
'Cause sometimes  
It's the secret that keeps it alive  
But if you need a reason why

Is it your smile or your laugh or your heart  
Does it really matter why I love you  
Anywhere there's a crowd, you stand out  
Can't you see why they can't ignore you  
If you wanna know  
Why I can't let go  
Let me explain to you  
That every little dream comes true  
With every little thing you do

It's everything, everything you do  
That makes me fall in love with you  
It's everything, everything you say  
That makes me feel this way

Sirius smiled at her. The song was very romantic, very sweet, very…Samantha. He knew he hadn't been spending too little time with some of the girls, Samantha included, because having so many true loves living in the house with him, he wanted to give all of them his undying love and attention.

Samantha gave him a kiss on the cheek and took her seat as Kristin walked to the stage, carrying…

What looked like the biggest bottle of firewhiskey Sirius had ever seen.

"Okay, everyone, I'm going to drink this whole bottle of firewhiskey in one sip!" Kristin called enthusiastically, running to the stool in the center of the stage.

Kristin uncorked the bottle, put it to her lips, and tilted it upwards. It was very impressive, but Kristin once again forgot to think. Sirius knew from experience that too much firewhiskey will have you sick for days, and you'll never want to drink again.

His eyes widened as the liquid level in the bottle grew lower and lower and lower until there was nothing left. Then--

CRASH. Kristin fell off the stool, flopping to the floor in a dead faint. From behind the curtain he heard a few girls laughing. A stage assistant hauled Kristin off the stage and put her into one of the seats in the audience, where her head flopped around uselessly and she fell sideways and off the chair again. Everyone just decided to leave her on the floor.

Tracie was next, and she did some kind of dance routine to the lyrics of "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love," by that chick Peter thought was hot.

Michelle came out holding a scrap of paper and looking nervous. She walked up to the microphone. "Er, hi. I wrote a poem for you, Sirius, and I'm going to read it."

Sirius smiled at Michelle as she read her poem:

_Your lips speak soft sweetness  
Your touch a cool caress  
I am lost in your magic  
My heart beats within your chest_

I think of you each morning  
And dream of you each night  
I think of your arms being around me  
And cannot express my delight

Never have I fallen  
But I am quickly on my way  
You hold a heart in your hands  
That has never before been given away 

Sirius was shocked. He didn't know Michelle had a poetic side. The poem was true, of course. Before him, Michelle had been a hopeless flirt, and he had been her first real relationship.

Daphne came out next, carrying only her wand. "Okay," she said into the mic. "I'm going to do some magic…"

And she pulled out her wand and made some wicked complicated hand motions, and soon, there was a strong wind blowing through the room. It was mad impressive magic, Sirius thought. When she was done, and elephant in a tutu was dancing on the stage.

"COOL!" Sirius yelled.

There was one thing Daphne hadn't planned on, thought, and that was hoe to get the elephant out of the house. Nobody knew the spell. Well, Sirius did, but it was funnier to watch the stage crew struggle. In the end, they called a helicopter to transport it to an African wildlife preserve where it could be with it's own kind, but not before it nearly trampled the (possibly dead) Kristin lying on the floor.

Jade came out form behind the curtain next, smiling and waving, holding a dark blue electric guitar. She pulled the microphone close to her. It turned out that she was singing a song as well, a song that would be written some twenty years from now, just like Samantha's song. Maybe the talent crew had used a time turner to help them.

Jade had a very sweet voice. Sirius knew she could sing, but the last time he'd heard her, she was screaming the lyrics to the weird sisters hit songs with him. Fun, but not exactly sweet. He listened to the sad song as Jade sang it and played the guitar.

The last lines really stuck in Sirius' head:

_You were everything, everything that I wanted  
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it  
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away  
All this time you were pretending  
So much for my happy ending! _

It made Sirius kind of depressed, because it reminded him of the tragic end his and Jade's only night together had had. He hadn't seen her again until now.

Jade sat down in the audience, to be replaced but Liza. Sirius burst out laughing. Liza was wearing a ridiculous looking turban, and carrying a crystal ball.

"I am the great Lizadellanellakella. I can see the future," she said, in a falsely mystical tone," who would like to go first?"

Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio raised his manicured hand, smiling. Liza pressed one hand to her forehead and the other hand she pointed at him.

"I see…I see…Hmm…all I see is a bowl of fruit…" Liza said, looking into the crystal ball.

The host looked at the producer. "I think she's talking about my new pomegranate diet," he said, and Sirius cracked up.

Shea got her fortune told next. "Okay…I see…Tuesday…Tuesday, I think…oh, your herpes is going to flare up. Don't go out."

Sirius (along with all the other contestants) laughed hysterically. Liza gave everyone a prediction and then left the stage, along with all the other girls (except for Drunk!Kristin, who was still on the floor), who followed her out of the room.

Sirius had to admit, Liza did have a true talent for mixing just about anything with comedy.

He went to the room all the girls had gone to, where he had to pick one to go on a date with. He had a choice of six girls, in his opinion, because he had gone with Jade last time and Kristin was majorly pissed and still out cold on the "talent show room" floor.

He chose Liza, and she smiled and took his arm and whispered in his ear, "The fates have informed me you would pick me…"

To which he responded, "Take that stupid turban off and let's go!"

----------------------------------------

He probably spent most of his date with Liza out of breath from laughing so hard. By the time they'd gotten home, he was so glad he'd picked her to go out with him. She was so much fun, and he loved the way her golden eyes shone in the light. She gave him a long kiss goodnight before proceeding to the rose room. He left for his bedroom.

The seven roses and note were there.

_Sirius,_

_I noticed an abundantly clear lack of talent in some of the contestants at the talent show. Make the right choice, this time._

Sirius picked up the roses and went into the room with the eight contestants, giving a rose to Jade, Liza, Samantha, Tracie, Daphne, and Michelle.

Either Kristin (still unconscious, being held up by stage crew) or Shea was leaving tonight.

"Goodbye, Shea," Sirius said as he handed the rose to the stage worker, who promptly dropped Kristin trying to grab it.

-----------------------------------------------

Shea's gone! Yay. **Don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of everyone's least favorite stripper. SHE'LL BE BACK!**

**And don't forget to vote!**


	8. Take Me To Colombia!

Disclaimer: Does anyone actually check every fanfiction to see if one of these dealies is in every one? That's pretty pathetic. I have a better job than that dude, and I'm a babysitter who aspires to work at Dunkin' Donuts next summer.

**Chapter Seven—Take Me To Colombia! **

Kay, homeslices. I KNOW AIM wasn't around in the eighties. Too damn bad. The Bachelor wasn't around then either. Anyway, that's like the whole point of this chapter. Screw you, historical accuracy. You bitch.

**This chapter is dedicated to Raoul. You probably don't get that. Oh, well. **

Sirius woke up the next morning, feeling well rested, lovesick, and sexy. He rubbed his eyes groggily and got up out of bed, thankful that, for once, he hadn't been woken up by a slut or (highly) suspected homosexual.

Sirius went to the door, missing the girls. His bonds with the remaining ones had gotten so much stronger lately. They were all more eager to spend time with him now that one of their major conversation topics was gone.

Their hatred for Shea.

He turned the doorknob. It didn't budge. That was NOT normal doorknob behavior in Sirius' mind.

He resolved that the only solution would be to push the door harder. That didn't work. Then he remembered something that many Wizarding toddlers know. There was a spell to unlock the door.

Sirius pulled his wand out of his pants (A/N: you guys are all perverts! Get your mind out of the gutter!) then he went up to the door, muttering "Alohamora!" he wriggled the doorknob.

Nope. Nothing.

His first thought was to be scared for his life. Then he realized he was locked in a house with a blatantly metrosexual man and several fangirls, who wouldn't let him die.

But would love to lock him in here and have their way with him. Several words sprang into his mind. One of them started with a "B" and ended with an "Ondage."

He turned around and surveyed the room. he immediately noticed something odd about it. There were…things…there that weren't normally there. One he immediately recognized as a Wizarding device that looked like a platter.

Well, it was a platter.

A magical platter. (Now that you've read this part, say "Platter" ten times fast. Isn't it a weird word?) You told it what you wanted to eat and that foodstuff immediately appeared. He "ordered some scrambled eggs and bacon. And toast. And sausage. And porridge. And Pop Tarts. They sent him Berry instead of Double Berry. Bloody wankers. After his light meal, e turned his attention to the second item.

It looked like a big box attached to another big box by wires. There was a button on the one box (which looked like a TV and microwave combined) that was glowing yellow, and it looked like a circle with a line thru it. He pushed it. The box made a whooshing noise. Sirius screamed and threw his hands into the air. The box turned out to be a screen, on which a little yellow man was now running.

Wait a second, Sirius knew what this was. It was a computer. Lily had been talking about it the other day. That meant that the tiny yellow dude must be the AOL guy. Yes, his Muggle Studies class was all coming back to him now.

He tentatively tiptoed closer to the box.

**BING!**

Sirius screamed and prepared to duck. Then he saw that a grey window had appeared on the screen.

_The user ".:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:." has sent you a message. Do you wish to accept?_

After Sirius figured out how to work the mouse, he clicked the "Yes" button.

**.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: **Sirius, it's me, the host. Today the girls will not come into contact with you, but you will still eliminate one.

At this time, Sirius noticed that he was logged in as "Sirius." No, that would never do. Sirius, who was learning fast, too fast, even, to question the "Take me to Colombia" thing (Which really wasn't even that fruity), clicked on the "New Screename" button and proceeded to do just that.

**SiriuslyMe: **How am I going to do that?

**.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: **You will have an internet conversation with all the girls, and they will never reveal their identity. The only clue you will have as to who they are will be their screename. Then, you will vote off the girl who you think was the worst Buddy. You won't know who that is until she's gone.

This could be potentially bad. There were some girls he really didn't want gone yet.

**SiriuslyMe: **When does it start?

**.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: **Now.

Another window popped up on the screen. Sirius clicked "accept."

**IceQueen (Of The World): **Hey, Sirius.

**SiriuslyMe: **Hey.

**IceQueen (Of The World): **How are you?

**SiriuslyMe: **Locked in a death chamber, but otherwise, I'm cool.

**IceQueen (Of The World): **I got really mad at them for locking you in there without saying anything. those bastards.

**SiriuslyMe: **LOL thx.

**BING! **Another message box popped up.

**BrunetteBookworm612: **Hi.

**SiriuslyMe:** Hey, BB. Sup?

**BrunetteBookworm612: **nmu?

**SiriuslyMe: **sos

**BrunetteBookworm612: **being locked in your bedroom is the same old st?

Aha. So this one doesn't curse. **BING!** Two windows popped up at the same time. Not normal. He thought the girls were all supposed to IM him individually. Oh, well.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **Hello, darling.

**SiriuslyMe: **hi…

He clicked the next window.

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **Hey, Sexy.

**SiriuslyMe: **Who is this?

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **The woman of your dreams, babyyy.

_Oh, crap on a stick._

**SiriuslyMe: **Shea?

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **The one and only, Lover. I'm back in the house and I know you still want me.

He snorted.

**SiriuslyMe: **How'd you get back in?

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **I have my ways.

Even a British wizard like Sirius knew there was only one way to do that in Hollywood.

**SiriuslyMe: **OMG! YOU'RE SCREWING THE DIRECTOR!

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **True. But that's not who I want to be screwing…

Sirius cringed. So Shea was back in the house…she was the director's girlfriend, for lack of a better word. Actually, there were a lot of better words, but none of them are very nice. Screw that, I'm writing them anyway.

**SiriuslyMe: **You whore!

(And there's just one. Now explore your imagination and add some more)

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **Right again.

Sirius rolled his eyes. he wasn't really that surprised.

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **It's free for you, tho, Lover.

Yecch. Sirius exed out the box, turning back to the first one.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **Where are you, Siri? My time's running out.

**SiriuslyMe: **Sorry, gorgeous.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **You're making me melt, Sirius. I love you so much.

Sirius felt weird saying he loved a girl he didn't know the identity of, but at that moment, this happened:

**IlUvSiRiUs143 has signed off. **

Sirius assumed the girl's time was up. He looked at his other IMs.

All the other girls were signed off, except for Shea, who was trying to engage him in something he didn't really care to be a part of (A/N: Okay, NOW your minds can be in the gutter… I really don't even want to write it. But you all know what I'm trying to say. Sick, dirty minded readers…I still move you all).

**Bing! ** New message.

**It'salwaysraininghere:** Hey, Sirius.

**SiriuslyMe: **Hey, love.

**It'salwaysraininghere: **sigh

**SiriuslyMe: **What's wrong?

**It'salwaysraininghere:** She's back.

Sirius knew that the other girls were in the same room as Shea. Suddenly, three IM's came rushing at him.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **I hacked into the maintenance room's computer. Why the janitor needs a computer I'll never know. I love you.

Creepy. He skipped that one…

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **Baby, guess what I'm

doing now?

Okay. Yeah. No. next, please.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **Oh, Gods, She's back.

Sirius laughed at the Screename. This was the one he was clearly supposed to answer according to the show.

**SiriuslyMe: **Shea? I know.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **Bitch.

**SiriuslyMe: **I agree, for once. You know, when we were at Hogwarts, I used to stand up for her. that's over.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **It's so weird to hear you say that about her.

**SiriuslyMe: **?

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **In my timeline, you and I were hopelessly devoted to each other since fifth year. You never even looked at another girl.

Sirius smiled. It was increasingly hard to connect to this girl when he had no idea who she was. Of course, he still loved her, but it would be better if he knew who she was.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **You still there, Siri?

**SiriuslyMe: **Yeah, Sorry 'bout that. How are you.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **too close to her. I think I may catch an airborne STD. If there were such a thing…the Slutbag would have it, though…I mean, if there was.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **The judge is spazzing. Someone stole his backup body wash and now all we have is unscented. He doesn't even have Midol to take his mind off it.

**SiriuslyMe: **What will happen to him if he takes that stuff?

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **Maybe he'll grow ovaries. Not that it would make much of a difference…

Sirius fell out of his chair, laughing hysterically. When he got back up to the screen, there was a new barrage of messages on it.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: **Well, Sirius, I have to go. My time's up. I really missed you today…I can't wait to see you…hold you…kiss you…again.

**MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies has signed off.**

Sirius stared at the screen for a good five minutes. Wow. He was absolutely blown away by that last bit. It sure meant a lot more to him than the contents of the next window did:

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

Well, someone needs their Midol back. Okay, next message:

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **Hey again, baby. Wanna get the friction on?

Did the show even know she was on here? She was definitely not supposed to be IMing him.

Then, of course, there was the message he was supposed to receive.

**Shinynewdishwasher: **Hi

**SiriuslyMe: **'lo.

**Shinynewdishwasher: **the bing noisethis computer makes is too loud; it's giving me a headache.

**SiriuslyMe: **ookay**…**

**Shinynewdishwasher: **Stupid chirping birds outside my window. They are 2 loud 2.

**SiriuslyMe: **That's nice.

**Shinynewdishwasher:** everything is too loud.

**SiriuslyMe: **Fascinating. Are you all right?

**Shinynewdishwasher: **I don't feel so good.

Sirius got no more messages from Shinynewdishwasher…whatever kind of name that was. He heard a retching noise form the bathroom down the hall.

**BING!**

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **Hurry up and get out here, or I'm getting it on with Steve.

**SiriuslyMe: **Steve?

**IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: **My boyfriend?

Oh, right. Sirius pressed the big red X in the corner of the box.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **Sirius, are you listening?

Hasn't she only said three words?

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **Sirius, I LOVE YOU.

Yes, funnily enough, he was able to figure that one out.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **I want you to leave this house immediately and run away with me, so that we could live together forever and ever.

**IlUvSiRiUs143: **I love you so much that I don't care about that contract.

Good thing Sirius knew what the block button was for. He sighed, and then used the magic platter to order a hot fudge sundae.

**BING! **Oh, right. One girl left.

**EyesByStarlight: **Hi, Sirius.

**SiriuslyMe: **Hey.

**EyesByStarlight: **I knew this contest would get nasty.

**SiriuslyMe: **It's all Shea's fault.

**EyesByStarlight:** My poor Sirius…

**SiriuslyMe: **I'll manage. I'm pretty strong.

**EyesByStarlight: **hehe…

**SiriuslyMe: **What?**  
**

**EyesByStarlight: **Nothing…

**EyesByStarlight: **okay, I g2g, but before I do…take this.

**EyesByStarlight: **

_You know you are in love  
when you see the world in his eyes,  
and his eyes everywhere in the world_

**EyesByStarlight: **Just a little quote I love.

**SiriuslyMe: **...

**EyesByStarlight has signed off**

Needless to say, Sirius had been rendered speechless again.

He was lost. Among the return of Shea, her constant badgering, the million I love yous that were now meaningless, and the thought of someone taking Ricardo/Homer to Colombia (whatever that meant), there were two girls he was absolutely sure he was in love with.

Too bad he didn't know who they were.

-----------------------------------------------

Dinner that night was chaotic. They weren't being filmed this time, so all members of the stage and productions crew were eating with them, unfortunately, this included people who were sleeping with any member of the stage or productions crew.

Shea was glaring at all of the girls, and Sirius was pretty sure she was trying to play footsie with him. Liza, sitting next to her, frowned.

"Sirius, would you pass me the pumpkin juice?" Liza asked him, her gold eyes shining mischievously.

"Sure, Ly. Here you go," he said, passing her the jug full of orange liquid.

"Thanks," Liza said, pulling it over to herself. The jug tilted and shook in her hand. Daphne, who was on Liza's right, reached for the jug, but it was too late. The bright orange liquid had spilled…

All over Shea.

Very few of the girls (read: just Samantha) tried to conceal their laughter.

Many "accidents" befell Shea before the dinner was over. Jade dropped the bowl of mashed potatoes over her head. Michelle lit her shirt on fire when she went to light the candles on the cake. The shirt was still damp, so she was all right; whether that was a good thing or a bad thing Sirius didn't know. At the end of the meal, Kristin (still hung-over from last week…she had taken the "hair of the dog that bit you" thing to a new level, apparently) passed out again.

-----------------------------------------------

The moment of truth…again.

_Sirius,_

_This rose ceremony is going to be done a little differently. You must pick the girl you want gone and announce her name in the rose room. we can't have you announce the girls you want to keep because then it'll be too easy for you to figure out who is who. Pick a screename and get out here._

So he didn't even get to see the girls before this rose ceremony, he just had to eliminate one. He gathered up the six roses and went into the rose room. he already knew which girl was gone.

When he announced the screename of the girl, they all stood still for a minute. Then Tracie let out a scream.

"NO! Sirius! how could you?" she wailed.

"Trace…you were, like, stalking me, it was pretty creepy," Sirius said.

Tracie had to pack her bags and leave the house immediately.

--------------------------------------------

And now, for everyone's (again...mine) delight, this…thingy.

**SiriuslyMe: **Hello?

**Padfootandme4ever: **hi…

**SiriuslyMe: **Nice sn

**Padfootandme4ever: **Thx.

**SiriuslyMe: **Who are you?

**Padfootandme4ever: **I'm the author. I rule.

**SiriuslyMe: **I see that…

**SiriuslyMe: **So…author…

**Padfootandme4ever: **Jessica…

**SiriuslyMe: **Right…Jessica.

**SiriuslyMe:** Wanna run off together, fall in love, get married and have my kids?

**Padfootandme4ever: **Sure!

**SiriuslyMe: **Okay…this stretches the boundaries of the typical Author's Note…

**Padfootandme4ever: **Shut. Up. Okay, everyone, don't forget to vote! Your votes count every new chapter, not just once! So, you can vote again!

**SiriuslyMe: **Wicked. Oh, and, readers…don't forget to guess what you think each girl's SN is…not that it's incredibly hard.

**Padfootandme4ever: **yeah, until next time!


	9. Christopher the Candle and Other Witty B

Disclaimer: It really would be a stupid career move on JKR's part if she actually wrote Fan Fiction, seeing as to how it's free, when she could make around the yearly profit of McDonalds for publishing this story…

That's not even a disclaimer. Well, I don't own anything.

Sorry for the wait on this chapter, I had no idea where to go from that last one…

**Chapter Eight— Christopher the Candle and Other Witty Banter**

_Prongs,_

_Lie in this house has been great so far. Though I do miss you, Moony, and Wormtail a lot. Yeah, I know that makes me sound like a wimp. I think it comes from living in a house full of girls and one extremely feminine homosexual...thankfully, I have been waking up normally (i.e. not by said EFH) ever since that stint they pulled last week, the computer thing? I really hope you're taping these shows, that way, you and Red and me and my future wife can watch them all together. You two can do that "sickeningly romantic" thing you do all the time, and my wife can beat on me while we watch me and the other girls snog. Won't that be fun?_

_Anyway, would you all like to visit next week? You can meet my darlings AND get a chance to get your big head on T.V.! _

_Around now, in the conclusion to my thrilling letter, I would normally blather on about how sexier-than-you I am. However, I feel it goes without saying and therefore my beautiful fingers should focus their attention elsewhere. _

_Well, let me know if you're coming!_

_--Padfoot _

Sirius had sent this letter to James yesterday, and he fully expected a letter back the next day. He didn't expect James, Lily, Lily's stomach, Peter, And Remus to show up on the doorstep of the mansion the very next day…

And yet, when the doorbell rang, three Marauders and one pregnant redhead stood on the doorstep.

"Hey!" Sirius said, as he gladly ran away from the table, where yet another catfight had ensued.

"Hey, Padfoot…what goes on in there?" James said, pointing to the door.

"Oh…someone made the mistake of serving porridge this fair morn," Sirius said, as something splattered against the closed door.

"It's that Shea bitch again, isn't it?" Lily asked, angrily.

"Yeah. I don't see why she's even staying here; nobody likes her, not even Steve!"

Suddenly, Steve-the-producer-and-also-probably-a-pimp ran through the hallway.

"That idiotic 'ho…doesn't she realize I have to watch all of these?" he asked Sirius, holding up a tape. He and Sirius had formed a friendship, almost like a cult…the "We nailed Shea club." In reality, a lot more people should be in it, actually.

"What's up, Steve?"

"It's Shea…she forgot I would see this little "Internet confession" she sent you…

"Well, please kick her out of the house, then…but sadly, garbage day isn't till Wednesday,"

"Yes, it's a shame…think we could shove her in the recycling bin?"

"Yeah…try the 'plastic' section," Sirius said. Lily let out an excited cheer, followed by a sob.

Sirius, glad he had been away for most of the "pregnant Lily" period in time, just enjoyed watching Shea get, like, kicked out of the, like, house.

Like ehmigod!

((I bet about 99 of you felt the urge to say that aloud…or you do now!))

"Come on, let me show you the other girls!" Sirius said, brightly.

"Okay," Remus said, as the four of them followed Sirius into the kitchen.

Someone had cast a cleaning spell once Shea had left, because the table and all surrounding walls, windows, and flamboyant hosts were spotless.

Peter gasped. "Oh. My. God! It's KRISTIN!" we have SO much in common…she's my favorite! Padfoot, marry her!

"Wow…it's really them…you know, they're a lot prettier in person," James said, giving all the girls a quick once-over before turning back to Lily.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Lily said, looking like she was ready to burst into tears.

"Is she really gone?" Liza said.

"Yeah!" Sirius said excitedly.

"Well, let's put some blocking charms around the house to keep her out…actually, a gynecologist would ward her off, too," FH said.

"YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE TERROR!" Lily screamed, and all the girls sitting at the table nodded.

Sirius heard Peter whisper, "Note to self: find out what a gynecologist is."

"I think you should pick…Liza. You can't go wrong with someone who makes you laugh, Padfoot," James said.

"No, go with Jade…she would make a good wife," Remus said, as the five of them sat in the study…which was really never used for anything except snogging on Sirius' and whoever's part. "Or Daphne."

"I think you should pick Michelle. She's a lot like you…and she has red hair!" Lily said.

"Liza kind of has red hair…it's actually more of an auburn-brown, but still…" James argued.

Peter, who was still starstruck over meeting the girls, said nothing.

"You are doing a good job of weeding out the bad ones, though, Sirius," Lily said. "I never knew you were capable of good judgment!"

"Thanks Lils…sorry I can't hang out with you guys tonight…I've got dates and all that," Sirius sad, because tonight he was going on actual dates with all the girls.

Let the chaos ensue….

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sirius? I have a question…"

"Yeah, Sam?" Sirius asked, out with his first date, Samantha.

"Are there…any girls in the house that you like more than the others?"

"Yes," Sirius said. Lying to girls got you nowhere.

Especially on television.

"Who?" she asked, the sad note that was often in her voice returning.

"I'm obligated by the show, Jessica, and the state of Kansas not to tell you…sorry," he said.

Samantha looked incredibly sad and ate her tortellini in silence, then she wouldn't even let him near her on the limo ride back home. He just chalked it up to lack of Midol and got ready for the next date.

-----------------------------------------------------

Kristin.

The limo ride to the restaurant was fun; though Kristin decided to have an in depth conversation with him about whether or not his brain felt better now that the house was no longer under the control of Shea— the alien warrior. Then she insisted on giving him a cranial massage, which really wasn't so bas, until she stuck her finger in his ear and tried to poke his brain.

"You want some wine, Kris?"

"Is there alcohol in it?"

"…yeah, I think so, hon."

"Augh! Get it away from me!" Kristin said, kicking the bottle out of his hand and to the floor in a moment of quazi-blackbeltosity. "I swore off alcohol forever after chugging that firewhiskey."

"Yeah…remind me why you did that again?"

"For you, dear!" she said, and then pulled him into a kiss.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius only felt slightly guilty to be kissing another girl just thirty minutes after that. This time, it was Jade.

Once they got to Jade's date spot, which was just a blanket under the stars, because even Sirius couldn't eat that many meals in one day.

No, he could. But then everyone who watched the show would think he was a lazy fatass.

"Wow…look at all the lights, Jade!"

"Yeah, electricity, it's cool," Jade said.

"I don't think you share my love for the miracle of electric lighting!"

"Nope. I'm a candle woman and I always will be," she said and smiled.

Sirius looked at one of the candles the studio had set out as a light source for them. "You bastard. Steal my woman, will you?" he said, snapping the candle in half.

"No! My first and only love!" Jade said, picking up the broken candle pieces and sobbing…which was really just her laughing so hard she brought herself to tears.

"Now I'm being upstaged by a wax lump?" Sirius said, grinning.

"Hey! Don't talk about Christopher like that!"

"Christopher can go melt in hell for all I care!"

Jade let out another…laugh…sob…whatever… before turning to him and planting a kiss on his lips.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't you just love these quiet little bookstores?" Daphne asked him.

"This is me we're talking about, right?" he asked her.

"Right…well, I love them because they're all quiet and cozy," she said, sitting down in the cushions on the floor.

Sirius, seeing no other cushions, simply sat down on top of Daphne.

"Sirius!" she said, through peals of laughter.

"What? Sorry. I was busy soaking in the quiet coziness of this bookstore," he said.

"I do like it, though. This date is going very good."

"Well."

"Well what?"

Daphne started laughing again, in that way that made her eyes sparkle. Sirius just grinned and waited for her laughter to subside.

((That's right kids…smart-people humor, the likes of which I thought would never grace this story.))

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love ice cream!"

"Yes, well, who doesn't?" Sirius asked, as Michelle glanced hopefully at the extra-gigantic chocolate and banana ice cream cone Sirius had bought her.

"You should get something just, completely ridiculous!" she said. "Get some cotton candy with Cap'n Crunch on top!"

"Fine, but then you'll have to give me some of yours!" Sirius said, ordering the ice cream cone. He was only a little peeved that they only had Peanut Butter Crunch, but he let it slide.

"Mommy! I want what that man's having!" a little girl screamed, pointing to Sirius' cone.

Michelle laughed. Sirius tasted his ice cream cone, and suspected the sugar content nearing the lethal dosage.

"I can't believe you talked me into this…give me some of yours!" Sirius said to Michelle, moving his face closer to her ice cream.

"NO! Aah!" she cried. Doing the only sensible thing she could think of, the thrust the cone towards Sirius' face.

"Whoa! You'll pay for that one!" Sirius said. She ran away, Sirius chasing her, brandishing his As-Gay-As-The-Still-Unnamed-Host ice cream cone like a sword.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What are we doing, Ly?" Sirius asked her.

"Just walking around an outdoor mall," she said. "I'm so falling for you again, and I gotta scare ya away," she said, only half-joking, because that was the most serious Liza ever got.

Yeah, we're going to pretend that pun doesn't exist.

Shut up. I can TOTALLY do that.

He smiled and put his arm around her, and they walked around.

"So, Sirius…how ere the other dates?"

"Great, for the most part…why?" he said. "The last date that got into this with me didn't have too much fun."

"Who? Miss Letsallfeelbadformefornoreason? She came home, almost crying. Something about Kansas, I think."

"Yeah, that'd be it," Sirius said.

"Fine, let's talk about something else," she looked contemplative (eh) for a minute, before she asked him, "What annoys you the most?"

"Berry Pop-Tarts when you wanted Double Berry?"

"Good one…I think, mine would be that everyone pretends to hate the Spice Girls, when we all know they dance around in their skivvies to the music anyway."

Sirius laughed, trying not to let "Wannabe" get stuck in his head.

((Yes, I know, but let's pretend the Spice Girls were a band then))

She smiled at him, saying nothing.

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my— dammit!" he said, and she winked.

"Gotcha, Sear."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a ride home with Liza that involved a LOT of snogging, Sirius found himself sitting in front of the roses with Remus, James, Lily, and Peter, who were helping him give someone the ol' heave ho.

"Kick out Kristin. I can't stand her!" Lily said, clenching her fists.

"My vote's on Samantha. You shouldn't even waste your time with her, Padfoot," Remus said.

"I agree with Moony. She's not what you're looking for and you know it," James added.

"Yay James! I agree with James," Peter said, pointing at James to reinforce his point.

"I have to tell you guys…it's getting harder. Soon I'm going to have a few girls I'm hopelessly in love with, and then what will I do?"

"Do what I do. Don't think about it. Procrastinate as much as possible," James said. Lily frowned.

"Let's see. Keep Jade, Liza, Michelle, and Daphne….then you pick who leaves," Remus said.

So now, an hour later (one of the cameras had exploded, taking up some time), Sirius had taken Remus' advice, and Kristin and Samantha stood in front of him.

So he decided to take Remus' advice again, and a second later, only Kristin stood in front of him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N-Okay! **V. important message, people!**

The person who gets kicked out from now on is now **completely** dependent on the number of votes. The person with the lowest is kicked off automatically, no matter how much I like them.

So it's really important to vote! And review!

**And I have a new humor fic on my Author's Page! You should read/review/love that one, too!**

And I'll try to update sooner. I'm zapped for ideas.


	10. Sweater Vests and Other TurnOns

Disclaimer: I own NONE OF THIS! DON'T SUE ME! There's lots of other things in this chapter besides Sirius that I don't own.

Hey everyone! So sad, the story's almost over! I may do an epilogue (or two, the wedding and a reunion). Oh, and I started another humor fic the other day, and you should check it out! Yeah, that's right, shameless self-promotion!

_Again, this story may have errors in it, because I can't see them too well in my own writing, but point them out if you do see any!_

**Chapter Nine— Sweater Vests and Other Turn-Ons**

It was getting harder and harder for Sirius to eliminate people every week. Now that there were so few episodes left of the show, he was getting closer and closer to finding a wife. He was having fun on the dates, though. The private dates were getting more and more fun for him. This week, however—

"How many other T.V. shows are we going to rip off?"

"Would you chill, Honey?" FH asked him. Sirius jumped back a bit. "It's getting kind of boring and repetitive…many of our key demographics don't want to watch you snog the same five girls for hours!"

"Well, screw the key demowhatever!" Sirius said.

Behind him, Steve the director/'ho magnet cleared his throat uncomfortably and leaned forward into Sirius' ear. "Our key demographic is boys between the ages of 18 and 21..."

Sirius really had no clue what a key demothingy was, but seeing as to how FH was a fruit and Steve was a pervert, he made a face for the camera.

"Wait…honey, how do you know what "The Dating Game" is?" FH asked him.

Sirius shrugged. "I studied Muggle pop culture before I came on the show," he said.

"Okay, then…this week, it's a kind of variation. You know how it goes…five bachelorettes, three questions, you pick the one who answers best and go on a date with them afterwards."

"Okay, let's get to it!" FH clapped his hands brightly. Sirius resisted the urge to laugh. Badly.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The set for this week was assembled in about five minutes, using magic, of course. It consisted of a bunch of bright flashing lights that had to be turned down because three of the set assistants had a seizure. Oopsie daisy.

Anyway, on one side of the room was one chair, separated by a seizure-inducing wall from five other chairs. The rest of the room was a sickening pink color, and Sirius watched as FH cringed at the décor, which he described as post-chic.

Right. Who was wearing leather pants made for a _woman_ half his size?

I thought so.

Sirius sat in his chair, waiting for the girls to come in. He grinned at all of them when they did, laughing at Liza. She had clearly snuck a peek at the room beforehand, because she had dyed her sheets to match, and was wearing them, toga-style.

The five of them disappeared from view on the other side of the wall.

A stack of five questions sat in front of Sirius. He knew that the girls' voices would be disguised, so he had no idea about who was who.

He picked up the first card, reading it aloud. "You are stranded on a desert island, and you can somehow magically get three items to help you get back to civilization. What are they?" Sirius read.

"Bachelorette #1?" FH asked.

"Well, I guess I'd want a broomstick, so I could fly home. And I'd want a raft, in case I crashed…I never was good at flying. And another broom, possibly, because knowing me, a shark would eat the first one, or something," said the first girl, in Lily's voice.

Bachelorette #2 spoke up. "Well…I'd wish for a sweater-vest, first of all…everyone digs sweater-vests…and then I'd wish for Ringo Starr."

FH stared blankly at whoever, who also had Lily's voice. "Your third thing?" he said, like he was afraid to ask.

"I'd want a sweater-vest for Ringo."

"Okay, then…you?" he pointed to the third girl, Sirius guessed.

"Well, I mean, I could apparate home, right?" FH nodded. "Well, then I'd throw a bitchin' island party. My three things would be Sirius, some food, and one of those dudes who eats fire," the third girl said. Sirius laughed. "Then I'd apparate home in the morning."

"I'd want…a helicopter, Sirius, and cruise tickets," the fourth Bachelorette said. "So we could go on a vacation afterwards."

"I'd really not give a rat's ass about getting off he island…I'd want…Sirius, some seeds to grow food with, and a house. That way, we could live on the island together. Might be fun." Sirius could tell by her tone of voice that she was winking…it was weird, because that voice was Lily's.

"Okay. Next question: How would you spend $100 on me?"

"I'd buy you some decent literature."

"I'd buy you a sweater-vest!"

"I guess I'd go with…some of that stuff Dumbledore uses to grow his beard…yeah…the we could turn you into Cousin It and scare away those crazy bitches that congregate on the lawn naked to try and win you over."

"I'd take you out for a romantic dinner."

"I'd get you a sweater-vest," #5 said, sarcastically.

"Okay…last question. What is your life's motto?"

Bachelorette #1 said, "One fire burns out another's burning,  
one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish."

"Never Trick-or-Treat on a highway dressed as a deer."

"Wow...how do I top that?" #3 said. "Well, I guess mine would be this, old, old, OLD Chinese proverb: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time!" Sirius burst out laughing.

"Mine is: Soul meets soul on lover's lips."

"I think the best one is…after the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

"Okay, ladies, thank you, now…Sirius…which one would you like to pick?"

He thought about it. He had no idea who was who, but number three had made him laugh…a lot. And that was important to him.

"Bachelorette #3."

Liza stepped around the corner, smiling at him, though she got her toga caught on a chair and it sort of…fell down.

One of Lily's other voices laughed, but Liza just stood there, caught between laughter and tears. Finally, she just smiled and laughed along with everyone. "Don't act like you're not impressed, she said, picking up her toga again. Sirius smiled encouragingly at her.

She kissed him. Behind her, Lily's voice grumbled angrily four times. "Let me just get changed, Okay?"

She caught Sirius' eye, and must have know the million "Getting you into the bed sheets" jokes that were flashing through his brain, so she ran for the door.

---------------------------------------------------

Sirius' date with Liza was amazing, though he couldn't help but think about who he was going to eliminate this week. He just had no idea.

"Kristin."

Sirius looked into Liza's golden-green eyes. Prongs was wrong, really. Her hair was brown, not red. It fell to halfway down her back in floppy layers, a look that, strangely enough, worked on her. "What?"

"Who you should eliminate, honey."

"OH, Merlin, don't call me that!"

"Shit, he says it to you, too? At least I don't have to worry about Anastasia…my friend, who thinks he's hot…" she said. Sirius laughed.

"Let's try not to think about it, okay, Ly?" he said.

"Well, I could take your mind off everything, if you want," she said. He looked at her, where she was nonchalantly picking at her fingernails. Without warning, she grabbed him by his tie, pulling him towards him and kissing him. A second later, she broke away, and ran form him. "You'll have to catch me first, though!" she squealed.

He chased after her. This was one of the great things about Liza. No matter that they were in a restaurant, if Liza wants to play hide and seek, they play hide and seek. She was just so much fun to be around.

----------------------------------------------------

"Liza."

He held out the first rose to her. She took it, and gave him a kiss on the cheek along with it. Sirius picked up the next rose.

"Jade."

She took the rose, tucking it behind her ear so that a few of her black curls fell over the stem. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, as well.

"Michelle," he said, handing her the next rose. She grinned at him, taking the rose, and planting her kiss right on his lips.

He picked up the last rose, twirling it between his fingers.

"Daphne."

--------------------------------------------

A/N- See? Told you, number of votes!

Just a few things:

Just so you know, Liza's leading in votes, and that's why she wins this one. I'm also having a lot of fun with her character )

It's a very close contest though! Jade's in second, down by, like, only three or four votes!

But, as for which one is out next time, it's anyone's game.

**SO VOTE!**

For voting purposes, and because you probably know anyway…

Bachelorette #1—Daphne

Bachelorette #2—Kristin

Bachelorette #3—Liza

Bachelorette #4—Jade

Bachelorette #5—Michelle

Anyway, vote to save your favorite! I can't stress it enough. Your votes count AGAIN every chapter, too!


	11. Psht…Flatware is For Squares

Disclaimer: Not mine (still).

Sorry for not updating sooner! It was a mixture of Writer's Block and lack of free time, but I'm going to write this one all in one shot and post it, so that's why there are so many typos.

**Chapter Ten—Psht…Flatware is For Squares.**

Now that there were only four girls left in the house, Sirius had been getting to know all four much better. As the end of that week drew closer, he still didn't know who was going to be eliminated.

They were eating breakfast that morning (and Sirius could actually say something without someone yelling, "BITCH!!" and throwing food at one of the other girls) when He-Who-Has-Too-Many-Names came in. Sirius went to stand up, thinking he was calling him out for the next challenge.

"Sorry, Honey," he said, and Sirius recoiled. "But I'm going to need you four this time," he said, motioning for the girls to leave.

Sirius waited at the table for five minutes before a member of the camera crew rushed up to him, telling him that the girls weren't coming back to the table.

"Oh," Sirius said. He looked at Michelle's plate. "So…she's not going to ant her bacon, then? Because I already ate all of mine."

The Film crew guy shook his head, and Sirius snatched the bacon off Michelle's plate.

After another crew member brought him the bag of fan mail (Most of which were from James, and weren't even letters, really. They were just pieced of paper with stuff like: Dear Padfoot. You're AWESOME! Written on them. The rest were mostly requests from random girls to make a new season with them on it. There was one actual letter, from Lily, saying that her pregnancy was almost over and going great. Sirius thought it might be a bit more exciting if it turned out the baby had morphed into some kind of Beluga Whale, or something, but what Lily said was fine, too.) Sirius headed into the parlor, looking for the girls.

He looked all around the house, but couldn't find anyone. Not even FH…not that he wanted any "quality alone time" with him, but now he was all alone…

With a million useless letters from James.

He shrugged, opening another one, which began to shrilly sing a song dubbed, "The Padfoot Song," and wouldn't shut up. Eventually, it just kept singing one verse, over and over:

_Padfoot rocks your britches!  
He has FIVE bitches!_

_One of them, Jade, has green eyes like Lily!  
Another one, Liza, likes to be silly!_

_Daphne reads books, 'cause she's really smart!_

_Michelle has red hair and has seen a flip chart!_

_The fifth one wears really tight pants,_

_And wears shiny black leather when he wants to dance!_

Apparently James was proud of this line (honestly, Sirius was a little sceptical that he couldn't find anything better than "chart" to rhyme wit "smart", maybe of his rhyming prowess or something similar, because it was just that one verse, repeating over and over, in James' voice, which got higher every time it repeated the lines. Eventually, Sirius had the common sense to put it on his plate and drop a match on it (and only with a friend like James were things like that "common sense"), where it burst into flame and the song died out.

Sirius decided against opening the rest of the letters, and they were taken away.

For the rest of the day, he waited and waited, but there was no sign of the girls or FH at all. He spent the entire day with the chill male interns in the crew, and took his rightful place as their hero when he convinced some of the girls who were staking out on their lawn to go on a date with them, because he was already taken. He did notice Emily out there, with a black eye…one of the girls on the lawn must have needed a Midol, but still wasn't allowed to take one because of her.

It began to get dark, and Sirius went back into the house, still bored and girlfriendless. He decided to go into the kitchen, and tell the chef what he'd like for dinner.

"Hi," Sirius sighed, entering the kitchen.

"What can I get for ya?" the chef asked. They'd sent a female chef today, apparently.

"well, I guess I'll have a—"

"Yeess?" The chef turned around.

"Liza?" Sirius asked, shocked. "You're wearing an apron?"

"Yeah, I figured that one out, thanks," she said with a smile.

"But…you're cooking?"

"Yeah…we've all gotta cook for you this week," she answered, stirring the contents of the pots in front of her. "By the way, I think I mislead you by asking what you wanted. You don't actually get to pick. I'm just making ravioli."

Sirius feigned offence. "What it I don't LIKE ravioli?"

She shrugged. "Well, you do have three more dinners to eat…I guess we could throw them at people. In fact, I would've started hucking them at the fruit without you if I didn't know you loved ravioli."

"Well, maybe I've changed my mind!"

"Since last week?" she asked, raising her eyebrows and grinning. "Here." She stuck the spoon into the pot of ravioli and thrust it into his mouth.

"THAT," he said, chewing, "Is some fucking good ravioli!"

"I know!" she said. "It's one of the only things I can make, as of now, but isn't it awesome?"

"Yeah!" he said. "Taste some!" he stuck his hand in the ravioli pot and picked one up, shoving it in her mouth.

She laughed as she chewed on the ravioli. There was something really satisfying about making Liza laugh. It was a good feeling, knowing that someone who cracked jokes like Liza thought something he did was funny.

They ended up eating all of the ravioli straight out of the pot. After they'd finished, she grinned at him.

"You see, now you have another bonus, if you pick me! We don't even have to buy any flatware!"

------------------------------------------------------

"Hi Sirius!" Jade said, entering the room, wearing a pale blue apron like Liza's, but hers, of course, said "Jade" on it.

"Hey, Jade," he said. "What're you making?"

She shook her head, black curls bouncing around her face. "You'll have to wait and see!"

He laughed. "Okay."

"Go ahead and sit down!" she said. He watched her pull ingredients from their shelves as he just sat at the table.

She turned to the refrigerator and began taking stuff off out, tossing it behind her onto the counter. He watched her toss some cheese, like a million different vegetables…

_Oh, right. Jade was a vegetarian…_

Sirius sat there and watched Jade cook. Whatever the hell that was, it smelled pretty damn good. He didn't know vegetables could smell that good…

She looked up at him. "Sirius…you can help me, if you want to."

He smiled. "Sure. I've never really cooked anything, before."

She giggled. "I'm sure you haven't."

"Well, I can do a bitchin' macaroni and chee—HEY!"

Jade laughed as she tossed a bunch of green stuff into a pot with some garlic in it.

Half an hour later, Jade and Sirius sat down to eat, and overall, Sirius' first time cooking had gone rally smoothly, except for the part where Jade forgot to tell him how to hold the beater all the way down whilst whipping mashed potatoes, and the walls now had a very interesting splatter paint effect.

But we won't speak of this. Really.

---------------------------------------------

Sirius was just clearing away the last of the potatoes form the walls, when he heard someone behind him.

"Sirius…what the hell?" A confused voice asked.

He could recognize all the girl's voices by now. "Hi, Miche." He turned around. "What're you wearing?"

She spun. "It's called a Kimono. And I'm showing you how to make sushi, come on!"

"Neat!" he'd said, recalling the first (and only) time Lily had taken the Marauders out for sushi. Let's just say that by the end, Peter had eaten a chopstick, James and Sirius had convinced Remus that the wasabi was avocado, and that the whole thing was meant to be eaten ad once, and both of them had made several people nauseous by telling them of how the fish they were eating had had families mere hours before.

He was convinced it would go better with Michelle, though. After all, she was wearing a silk robe.

She showed him how to roll the stuff together as he regaled her with tales of his first sushi experience, and then he decided to make his own sushi roll, forever known in history as _Sirius Black's Some kind of pink fish and then some orange fish with some alcohol poured on it roll._It amazed him sometimes, his own brilliance, because …that roll…was one of the most amazing things he'd ever tasted. That and he'd boozed it up so much they were almost wasted by the first bite.

---------------------------------------------------

Several of Sirius' "special" rolls and like a million sobering charms later, Daphne entered the room.

"Hi, Sirius," she said, brightly.

He smiled at her, and she gave him a kiss. "I know you're probably really full by now…actually, since it's you, maybe not…but I thought I'd make you some chocolate cake, what do you think?"

He nodded eagerly. "Sounds great, Daph."

He was so exhausted by now, he thought he'd turn down her offer to help if t came…which it never did. She put the brown batter in a pan and put the pan in the oven, then poured two glasses of wine and sat next to him, handing him one.

"Thanks," he said, drinking half of it in one gulp.

She giggled. "Don't drink too fast, Honey." He winced. It seemed as if FH had destroyed the pet name—and popular condiment used on McNuggets—forever.

Sirius and Daphne talked until about five minutes before the cake was done, and she went to make the icing. Sirius chalked it up to the wine, but suddenly he felt very tired. Moony had always said that chocolate was high in caffeine, maybe some of that would help him.

It was delicious, but didn't really wake him up at all. He was actually relieved t be able to go to bed when Daphne kissed him goodnight, but there was one thing he'd forgot when he got there and saw the three roses spread out on his bed.

He picked up the note, thankful that this one didn't start singing.

_Sirius, _

_Just three bachelorettes left now. And how is it possible that you got mashed potatoes on the CEILING? _

He picked up the three roses, and went into the room where the four girls were standing. Liza, in her sauce-stained apron; Jade, who still hadn't gotten all of the mashed potatoes out of her hair; Michelle, in her flowery kimono; and Daphne, who had a dab of chocolate on the tip of her nose.

He smiled at them all, and FH gave them the "rose speech" Sirius never listened to.

Sirius held out the first rose when he'd stopped talking. "Liza," he said.

She took the rose, kissing him square on the lips. "Thanks, Sirius."

The next rose went to Jade, and soon, Sirius found himself facing to girls…and he did want to keep them both around.

But, alas, he couldn't.

_Whoa, _he thought_. That was a total Dumbledore moment._

He held out the last rose.

"Michelle."

--------------------------

A/N- well, that was the first time I had to eliminate someone one of my readers created, but we're coming towards the end now, and votes are REALLY important!

So vote, and expect in a few days a "new chapter," which will really be just the voting results so far, and maybe a letter form James to Sirius or something, so nobody deletes it.

Hope you liked it, and **PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!**


	12. Not an Update, But:

Okay…just so you guys know, this is NOT a full chapter, as in, nobody will be kicked off, and nothing will happen.

Yay.

All this is, is one more chance for you to place a vote, so we can make our final two. Hopefull, it'll make you laugh, too.

There is, however, this cool dialogue thingy, (so we don't violate the ToS) featuring:

**Sirius**—Superhunk, and the bachelor.

**Liza (LB), Jade (JF), and Michelle(M)**—The final three girls.

**The Host guy (FH)**—Possible homosexual. Has out gay-ed everyone I've ever met

**Jessica (JC)**—me, padfootandme4ever, the most brilliant author ever who never updates, self insert!Sue, whatever you want to call me.

And…here's the…thingy.

JC: Hi, everyone…erm, sorry for not updating in so long.

FH: Welcome to our super special special!

JC: _looks at host_ it's going to be FABULOUS!

LB: _laughs_

FH: Don't patronize me, bitch.

SB: So, we're just here to give you one more chance to vote for the final two!

JC: Yeah, it's really close. I want you guys to be sure of who you're voting off, here.

JF: Yes, so here are the votes so far:

_**LIZA: 39**_

_**JADE: 35**_

_**MICHELLE: 29**_

JC: So, it's über close.

FH: Nobody says "über" anymore.

JC: Don't patronize me, bitch.

LB: ZZIING!

SB: _gigglesnort_

_All the girls (and maybe FH) swoon a little because that was the most adorable thing they'd ever heard. _

JC: So…um…that's it. And if you have an idea for the next chapter, let me know, because none of my ideas so far have worked out. At all.

FH: I have an idea!

SB: Does it involve sparkles?

FH: No!

SB: _glares_

FH: …yes.

JC: So, any idea that doesn't involve sparkles…

FH: _opens mouth _

JC: …or parachute pants…

FH: _closes mouth again_

JC: is welcome! Please, just let me know. And don't be too upset at the nonexistentness of the next update, because I'm definitely working on it. It's almost here, I promise!

LB: And, if she's lying, there's this nifty lamp right here that looks great for whacking people…

JC: OKAY! Go on, and vote your hearts out…

SB: waves adios

_Everyone swoons again. _


End file.
